C Sections & Surrendering

Artwork by Catie Atkinson @spiritysol

Tomorrow is the Day

Tomorrow morning marks a new chapter in our family’s journey.

When I first envisioned the birth of my second daughter, I dreamed of an unmedicated VBAC. After my first delivery, I deeply longed for the golden hour of uninterrupted skin-to-skin contact, something I wasn’t able to experience before. However, life and this little girl growing inside me had their own plans.

Today is my due date. While her head is down, the excess amniotic fluid caused by my gestational diabetes has prevented her head from engaging with my pelvis. To complicate things further, she’s now in a transverse position. On top of all that, I’m incredibly uncomfortable.

After many discussions with my midwives, we’ve decided to move forward with a planned C-section tomorrow morning, on New Year’s Eve. While I initially hoped for an all-woman team in the OR, scheduling didn’t allow for the female anesthesiologist to join. Still, the surgical team we’ve assembled is one of the best, and I feel confident in their care.

Choosing the C-section over attempting a VBAC was not an easy decision. It brings up a lot of emotions, including the realization that I will likely never experience a vaginal birth. That’s a loss I’m still processing. There are also fears—like not having control over the medications I’ll be given in the OR, knowing my baby won’t receive all of her cord blood, and the limitations on immediate skin-to-skin contact. These concerns weigh heavy on me, especially after my first emergency C-section, where I felt like I might not survive long enough to hold my baby.

On the other hand, there’s relief in knowing I can avoid excessive vaginal exams, which were a major trigger for me during my first labor. Those exams brought up painful memories of past sexual assaults, leading to PTSD episodes. Removing that element from this birth could make a significant difference in my emotional recovery, and my husband and I both agree this is a step toward a more positive experience.

I’m incredibly thankful for my midwives, who have listened to me every step of the way. They truly heard my concerns about birth trauma and consent trauma. Together with the hospital, they’ve made accommodations to ensure that I’ll get skin-to-skin time with my baby right after the C-section. She’ll stay on my chest until I’m moved to recovery—a small but deeply meaningful comfort.

Ultimately, this planned C-section is about prioritizing my recovery so I can be the best mother I can be for both of my daughters. I feel immense gratitude for my care providers, who’ve respected my story and my needs. I’m thankful for my acupuncturist, who helped me stay calm in the lead-up to this moment. My doula, who has been by my side through pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, is a true gift. I’m so grateful for our nanny, who has become an extension of our family, and for my mother and mother-in-law, who have been an incredible support system.

Most of all, I’m grateful for my husband. He has been my rock—coordinating logistics, preparing healthy meals to keep my blood sugar in check, playing endlessly with our toddler, and being my unwavering partner in all things.

I also want to express deep gratitude to the incredible artists who contributed to The WOMB Music Project. Their music has been a virtual support system for me, offering comfort, grounding, and strength in the most challenging moments. Their creativity and intention have been a gift, reminding me of the power of art to heal.

You can bet I’ll have tracks from The WOMB Music Project playing during surgery, grounding me with the power of sound.

And to my sweet daughter Sophia: thank you for being a constant source of joy and excitement. In moments when I’ve been consumed by fear, your laughter, curiosity, and love have reminded me of the beauty in every day. You’ve shown me how strong I am and how much there is to look forward to as our family grows. You are going to be an incredible big sister.

The coming months will bring adjustments for all of us, but I trust in the strength of our village. There will be challenges, but there will also be healing, love, and growth through the highs and the lows.

Thank you for following along on this journey. Sending so much love to you all, and I’ll check back in a few days.